Rewinding and re-defining

I am amazed by how hard these last few days have been…the sheer impossibility of what can be done and what I’m expected to do, but there is such a great lack of asking what I want to do. I didn’t want things to go down this life, none at all. I always had the hope that this would work out, that something somewhere would just…fit in and make sense. But it doesn’t. It never was that simple to begin with and I doubt it ever will be regardless. I am a lot to take in, a lot to control and need a lot of care and love…commodities which aren’t so common these days as one might expect. They are externally hard resources to find, as no one really cares unless they can gain something themselves from it. The sadness of it all is that so many of us follow that thinking that we lose out on all other possibilities, limiting ourselves. I amid to experience it all, every nock and cranny, of life. But this, this thing, this sticky substance, it slows me down and hinders me. It’s unsenceisising.  You ether feel nothing at all or all at once to the point that you can feel your own mind ripping itself apart in an attempt to comprehend what the hell is going on and you just don’t come up with a straight answer. There never is a straight answer. You just learn to put aspects of it together and once the tally enough of one scale, you simply categorize it as such. It is so much harder than it sounds as nothing really ever is that simple to begin with. There isn’t a single word or enough words in any language to classify depression, let alone anxiety itself. There never have been and there never will be. All there will be is the damage and destruction of it all when the pillars come crashing down and you are left there, exposed, to all the horrors as those you hold dear slowly slip away from you. You never intentionally push them away and if you do so, it’s simply to keep them safe. So few understand that. They think we act out of fear, but it’s the truth. We fear it, you, everything. We know how beautiful the world is. We can see it. We just can’t always sense it.