I'm back....

I have been though my own fair share of bullshit in the last few years since I've last been on here. a lot has changed, way too much has happened and I'm at that point where I'm looking at old photos of me and thinking 'damn, was i really that much of a loser?'

Though out my years away, I've accumulated knowledge and new skills. Needless to say that this new gift of mine is bound to come in handy, i just need to work it out as much as I can in all venues of my life. Hence, vuala, my first piece in what hopes to be something fresh and new:

Depression. It is but a single word that in our modern times, strikes fear into many. An invisible black sludge that engulfs you, suffocating you under it's weight until it's immobilize everything it touches.

Quite a scary way to describe one of the most kept quite pandemics in the world. People don't really seam to care much about it and just breeze past. But those who get it, those who get touched, know it all to well. It ether slowly comes on or just out of the blue and BAM, you're out cold, leaving you questioning wtf just happened? (kind of like a bad one night stand...just a few degrees worse). It's frightening when that happens, cause unlike a cold, there little physical symptoms to go by, but behavioral systems are just brushed off as something of a 'bad day' or just 'being moody'.

I cannot emphasis enough just how much worse it is and just writing about it gives me the shakes. If hell was building, Depression would probably fall in the attic; a place only few go where it's dark, cold, damp and full of little memories that haunt you. It's the pain you feel just to lift your hand to eat that piece of chocolate and yes, it takes a lot of time you will yourself to make such movements in that state. It' the feeling cold inside, not cause the weather's -20 outside. it's the weight of the blanket and the warmth of your bed that's the only solace to the cold and harshness of the world. It's the giving in to all the bad habits you have because

Being numb is better then feeling this pain

and yes, it can and probably has or will drive you to that point. Because being numb is unbelievably better. And it's addictive, the only silence in your head and makes the pain stop. for a while, you feel nothing and you're at peace. till the next morning and you feel worse.

But you know what's better then being numb? Feeling loved

The worse thing you can tell to someone? 'Don't give up' Those four words are strong enough to end someones life and sever life long friendships. It is a brick wall, one of which there isn't much going though. People don't want to be told what to do, they want to be showed. Physical care is beyond saying, the most important factor. Hugs are vital. Show us how you care. We're not materialistic, far from it. but remember that chocolate wrapper you and your friend shared that one time you went out and had a really good time? I can bet you that it's in their room somewhere, along with other bits and pieces of little happy memories. You know why? because when the next storm hits and they're all alone

those little things might be the only things that get them through that.

but even that is not enough. Be present. I'm not saying quit work and go running (though that would be appreciated also) but focus on them. And yes, we do care that you're happy, you're bf finally agreed to do that sex potion you've been dying to try or your job is shit. Trust me, we love to hear people are happy cause it means that no one else is suffering. But ask us. Question us. Give us control of the conversation, what to do, where to do. I'm not saying give us complete control of everything cause that would overwhelm us at this point. and yes, we do let people we trust make decisions for us.

What I'm trying to say is that it's not greed or pride or need for attention. We don't want that. We would rather be alone in our rooms suffering alone then to let others see us in this state. What we want is for people to care. not cause of what we can do, but because we're us. We're tough, we're weak and at that point, we're vulnerable. We want people who will listen, because a therapist can only go so far and friends can feel the situation better. We want to be told that we're loved, that it's OK for things and plans to change because today's one of those days. that friend's and families perception of us doesn't change because we don't function like others. We want acceptance, love and peace of mind

that is at the end all we ever wanted.